Here’s my situation:

I been dating my lovely girlfriend for almost 4 years. This Wednesday, it will be 2 years that we’ve been engaged. We’re planning our wedding for October, 2nd!

My girlfriend, like me, was born in Ecuador, but we both grew up in Seattle. I was raised by a white family (I’m adopted) and she was raised in a more traditional Ecuadorian community, which has led to some huge cultural differences. 

I met her at church (we’re both Catholic) and I used some of the techniques I picked up from @craftofcharisma to talk to her. She’s a beautiful, sensitive, family oriented, faithful, intelligent, lovely woman. 

We’ve shared plenty of great memories. We travel together, share friends, have deep conversations, debate, share precious moments of intimacy. And there are times when I only think about my fiancé and how much I love her.

All of that to say that we don’t live together. She lives with her parents and will only move in with me 3 months before the wedding. She also wants to wait until after marriage to have sex.  

About a year ago, I moved into the Capitol Hill area of Seattle, with 2 roommates. Before that, I lived alone in my own apartment. At least part of that time, I was single and dating. Before living there, I lived with my ex-girlfriend for a couple years. So being in relationship with a woman that I’m not living, nor having sex with, was a change for me. But I knew what I was getting myself into. I accepted the situation before we started dating because I liked her. 

Here’s my problem:

This last year, I started a new job, and I’ve been working with a cute young colleague. She’s 25, still a University student, blond, and about 5 feet tall. She has a cute face and I’m in constant contact with her on Microsoft Teams.

Last Fall, she was single and it felt like she open a door. At that time, I was just flirting without any consequences. At least that’s what I thought because she was living a few hours from me, and I was engaged. At first I avoided talking about by girlfriend to her, because I was  having fun and didn’t want to ruin it. But at some point I started to feel guilty, so I made a reference to my fiancé, to try to set a boundary. Then in March, she told me that she was getting back with her ex. Hearing that hurt me, and it made me realize that I was way more attached to her than I thought. 

Anyway, I tried to create some limits and I asked her to only contact me on Teams and during work hours. She continued to contact me outside of work hours, and she’s been trying to get into more personal stuff like we use to talk about. Over the last six months, I was probably way to available and too nice. After she told me she was getting back with her ex, I changed my attitude with her to be more manly.

I started to see a psychologist at the beginning of the year, because I was I was thinking so much about this girl, and that was leading to a lot of internal conflict and suffering. I’ve spend so much time texting with her, and in long phone conversations, that I’m very emotionally invested in my relationship with her. That said, we’ve never kissed, had sex, or even expresses feelings for each other. I’ve only actually seen her in person once. And still, I’ve developed and have these strong feelings for her. 

I’ve been having an internal battle between the rational guy that I am, and the emotional guy that I am — too. 

The rational guy is like:

“Dude, you’re getting married in a few months, you always wanted to marry a cute Ecuadorian girl that you love (because yes, I do love my fiancé without any doubt). 

You have a woman that really loves you and wants to be your wife and maybe eventually the mother of your kids. You also want security. You don’t want to go back to single life and risk loosing everything you’ve been building towards. You’ve never been this financially stable, and had such a clear future.”

On the other side, I have the emotional guy that says:

“I want to risk my relationship to try to date this girl. I like seduction, I love the feeling of a new relationship, and I find her incredibly attractive. I love her voice, it brings me back my U.S. origins, and it feels safe and familiar. She has such a cute face. And I love her body. I also like the fact that she seems impressed by me. That makes me feel good. I know we could have a lot of fun and I could rock her life and she could rock mine too. I want to date her, but it’s clear in my mind that I will not be unfaithful to my fiancé because I love her too much to cheat on her.”

All of this shared, I’m back to flirting a lot with coworker. I’m probably going to see her next week, because she’s coming into work for an event. At least that’s what she told me. She doesn’t need to attend, but she said that she wants to come in. I’ve been going into the office Monday through Friday, but I’m normally there (basically) alone because of the pandemic. I’m afraid to see this girl. I have feelings for her, and if we spend time together in person, I’m not sure what will happen. 

Can you help?

J.